Basket.

Well, events of the past week have certainly filled me with nostalgia. Even though Farewell Assembly was the farce I fully expected it to be, it was still a reminder that soon it would be the end, the end to a lifestyle we all have come to know so well the past eleven years (no, I don't count kindergarten). January 2nd/3rd/4th (can't be later than that), first day of school; go to school, do work, survive tests/exams, talk with friends, talk with teachers, listen to teachers, etc - repeat until end of the year. No real changes to the formula. But after this year, we say goodbye to the classroom, to schedules, school uniforms, lessons and school as we have known it for so long.

I can't help but feel a sense of loss. I still remember my very first day at school, although only very vaguely. 1993 (when Mr Aaron Loh himself was still in school, hehe), Catholic High Primary. But let us speak of a first day I remember far more clearly - 1999, Raffles Institution. That day is still very clear in my memory; I remember waking up for a need to relieve myself - turning on the toilet light, the first thing I see is a cockroach. What a way to start the year; considering my luck since then, maybe it was a messenger of ill-omen.

So I had gotten into RI, the school with the most unique address in Singapore. Yes, there is one place and one place only located at 1, Raffles Institution Lane...

But never mind that for now. I had that fresh, slightly excited feeling I have on every first day of school, especially accentuated by the fact that I was going to a new school and going on to the next stage in my education. So we were packed off, a longer drive than I was used to, that is for sure (RI is 20 minutes from my house).

We got there nearly in time to be late for assembly, and I hurried to the astroturf (only then I knew not it was called this) to assemble. I managed to, with some difficulty, find the allotted patch of ground, and we carried on with the usual assembly things, national anthem, pledge and so on. Then it was into the hall for this fresh and exciting thing called Headmaster's Assembly, with the Headmaster as new as I was.

And well, everyone remembers what (or who rather) he spoke about, don't they? His first speech and about the only one everyone who sat through it remembers with any clarity.

The rest of the day was nothing special, induction into the school and the system and stuff like that. Zihao was there; so was Daniel. And the fact is, we didn't talk much at first. I tend to be very quiet at orientations and beginnings of years. It always takes time for me to warm up, that was the case with RJC as well.

It seems incredible that this has been all of five years, and close to six, by now. 1999 and the world was so different. Personally and globally - who remembers the Millennium Bug hoo-ha anymore? Yet it was all the rage then. So, from tight white shorts (mine were neither though) to the long pants of upper sec to the different (read: poor quality) long pants of RJC; it's been quite a journey. Cliched as this sounds - it all seemed like yesterday. The mud of Sarimbun, the quietude of the "A" huts, the junior block classroom six flights of stairs up, all the PSLs whose names I can still remember (I think), the (then) new junior block and (then) new Headmaster, the teachers, my early days in the RIGE (I used to suck a lot, now I guess it is back to square one) with Phillip Toh (whose common way of introducing himself was to write "Toh" on the whiteboard and who to us seemed capable of blocking out the sun) and of course, the new classmates and subjects... all the big and little new things that I had to get used to. I remember also my initial great opposition to going to RI (then my atheist leanings were not fully formed, and I asked for divine aid in avoiding it) because all my primary school friends ended up in Chinese High. Now all that is left of that opposition is a tantalising alternate history.

My time in RI certainly was fast. Once we settled into the rhythm of work and relaxation, Sec 1 was over before we knew it. Examinations? Now I realise how little of a deal they were. Secondary 2, much the same vein, although I had so much more fun. Seem to have touched on that before, so I won't repeat myself. Sec 3 rolled around soon - I found myself initially unable to deal with the new subjects and heavier workload, and floundered. A new class again, and I made some great new friends, so it balanced out, I guess (Sec 3 orientation, quite fun despite the sunburn, but nothing special). Then suddenly, we were Secondary 4 - last year in the school, already? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were clambering off the buses to be frog-marched to Sarimbun camp?

Secondary 4 was even faster. Soon it was Common Tests (which I did horridly in), then speedily, Prelims (which I managed to get past). Then graduation ceremony, the O Levels for real, Grad Dinner (Jireh + Amogh = lOaDs oF fUn), holidays and stuff...

Then, a new school all. over. again.

Start from scratch, I've got an OG to know and an Orientation with a creative name to get through. Well, at least no Walk of Initiation this time, and I kept myself clean. Whew.

Sad to say, I never did manage to gel with my OG. I guess we were just incompatible - I never knew how to begin a conversation with them and I suspect they can say the same for me. We had a (sort of) reunion that day though, the last day of normal lessons, and they had a cake and everything. I got into the photo.

It's hard to believe it has been nearly two years since. 1A01C, Mr Aaron Loh. You guys know the rest. We had so much fun then, didn't we.

Then the first 3 months were over and the real "fun" started.

But it was still great. I loved 2003; it was one of the best years I ever went through, despite the heavy academic workload, personal problems and IPW. I did so much last year, it was just incredible. It seemed to me that I hadn't lived before 2003. There is too much to recall from it - new school, new teachers, classmates, friends, subjects, issues, CCAs, activities... it was amazing. Pity it had to end sometime.

And so we get to 2004 at last. I remember the early days of this year. Early January and we are in the canteen spending our break, as usual, and Gen is commenting that time is passing so slowly. I can still hear her say that. We didn't believe those seniors who came back and warned us that our last year would pass before we knew it; now I, at least, believe them. It is past mid-October already - seemed like Term 1 was just last week. I know it isn't, but can I accept it?

Maybe this is why some have said nostalgia is a dangerous thing. My mind wanders so constantly to the past, sometimes recent, sometimes far distant. I can't forget and concentrate on what is important at hand. Sometimes, what I remember takes my breath away, or gives me this awful feeling of emptiness - all past and nothing to bring it back. It grips my heart tightly and refuses to let go. The more I remember, the more tightly the screws are turned.

This time last year, we were reminscing about Sec 4. Now that has itself become a memory. We commemorated anniversaries last year; now those are anniversaries in themselves. Has it really been a year? One entire year? My heart says no but my rational mind says yes, obviously.

So, one year since the promos? One year since the IPW scramble? One year since the Matrix Revolutions? One year since I had to go down to Boon Lay every Monday evening and take notes for the countdown? I still remember how hung-up some of us were about promos, not caring or knowing worse was to come, how we bitched about IPW but still managed to have fun doing it, how I drank copious amounts of black coffee as I took minutes and loved the stillness of the 11pm night as I made my way back from Boon Lay. Yet all those... they are one year past by now. I really can't believe it. Where did 2004 go?

"To remember everything is a form of madness..." - now I realise how right Hugh is. Memories crowd my mind, leaving space for little else. I can recall in such vividity that it is painful. From Sec 1 to now, enough memories for a lifetime. Primary school is too far away. Yet I still recall how we had a class reunion on December 29th, 2002 (or thereabouts, the exact date eludes me). We even played Whacko, although we still knew all of each others' names. Days later, I was to be classmates again with Jieqi.

I can't sleep, eat or go about my daily business without constantly thinking of all these, of everything that has happened in RJ, in RI, in the years that I can remember. The oldest memories cling to me like ghosts, sucking life-force as from some B-grade Hong Kong television thriller. Sometimes I'll just be reading for studying or doing something mundane and they will just force their way into my mind. I can't continue when that happens. I have to stop. The feeling - it is neither awful nor anything close to a nice sensation. The closest I can come to describing it is a sense of loss. All that is past, what a pity - it was great while it lasted.

Of course, I feel better after thinking back, after looking back. I realise actually how lucky I have been, for all the gripes about misfortune. I've been in fantastic classes down the years and made some great friends, probably for life. I've got to know so many people and gone through so many events and experiences of vastly different natures. It been, really, a great ride. I've enjoyed it immensely. To everyone I've had the good fortune of knowing down the years, in some way or another, everyone who has ever lent me a listening ear, offered me a helping hand when I was down or words of comfort in trying times, or simply been a good person to work with - thank you very much. Sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

Perhaps memories are not a bad thing after all. Still, I really have got to learn to put them down at least some of the time.