Basket.

I'm usually at my most reflective in the hour of two before I have to leave for camp, so this is probably the best time to post this.

It is early in the year and I am at a spiritual crossroads of sorts. No, actually, scratch that: I know exactly where I want to go but I can't really get there.

As you might have guessed, this is all about religion - again. For an atheist, I sure write a lot on this topic, eh? But as I have said before, despite being an atheist, religion has very much been a dominant factor in my life.

I rather recently touched on the fact that my grandmother has been trying to get me to join the faith. Obviously, I love my grandmother very much and I can understand perfectly where she, as a devout Catholic, is coming from in trying to do this. I know it is simply all out of concern and love. But I'll never convert to Catholicism, Christianity or any other religion whatsoever, because I remain unconvinced about the benefits and veracity of religion in general. Yet I can't be honest and say this out loud - my grandmother is in frail health and it will shock her too much. It's tearing me apart somewhere inside, though, having to smile weakly and offer up half-assed answers to "think about it" every time.

Of course, I can take the easy way out - convert and be Catholic on the surface of things only. But what use would that be? If I have to believe in something, it has to be sincere belief, not just for appearances. It's the middle ground, and I never like middle grounds. I believe in living true to your opinions and beliefs - yet I can't do that. I don't believe in God or any deity or deities of similar persuasion, yet I have to keep this a secret. Understanding why does not make doing it much easier.

What is more, it happens on both sides of the family. My father's side is Buddhist you see, which means - no eating of beef. I am not Buddhist, but somehow I have to pay lip service to this proscription. It means I can't always eat beef whenever I want to, and has led to a few uncomfortable moments when I inadvertently forgot about the rule.

Small thing, perhaps, but in the end, it is all about being able to establish a separate, individual identity. I have not exactly been able to do that, because of all these many and various restrictions. I am usually honest and lying always makes me feel very uneasy.

It's just a little ironic, because the way I see it, the only way to stay true to my beliefs is to be false.

I am glad enough, however, for the fact that in Singapore, religion does not matter most of the time and all my friends accept my atheism. I don't wish to convert to any religion whatsoever, so thanks everyone for not trying it.

In any case though, what I can do now is just sit tight and hope the topic doesn't come up all that often. As with too many other things I've got.