Basket.

Taking a break from some SAT preparations to write this post.

Never thought I'll have worries after an exam, but this time I do, and the irritating, expensive and utterly useless American aptitude test is the least of them.

The issue weighing most heavily upon my mind the past few days has been whether to get rid of Maths just so I can finally rid myself of a decade-long bogeyman. There are firm arguments now for both sides; what I conside ra firm argument, however, is not so much practical reasons like "Where can 3 A-Level subjects and one S-Paper get you", but matters of the heart. Admonish me for thinking such, but that is just the way I work.

On the one hand, I can finally trash learning numbers and highly-vexing trigo formulae, and wake up to every day as a glorious one with no Maths at all. I have no doubt this will be a wonderful feeling. What is more, the practical element: no need to ever have to worry about screwing up the A-Levels just because of this one subject.

Ranged against these potent forces of emotion and reason are just as strong factors indicating it is not such a good choice to make. Actually, just one great and important one I can see; the fact that I would be disappointing many people, not least a certain big-headed guy, if I do this.

Seriously, there is absolutely no practical value for me to continue taking Maths at such an advanced level. I'll just learn, maybe piah like shit and finish the exam, then JC, then leave school and forget it all. What the hell is the use of this? Nothing at all. And no shit about it being my duty and my responsibility, please. The Maths qualifications I have are more than enough for my entire life. I hate the subject and seem not to be able to do well at it, so why bother?

What may end up keeping me in Maths would be raw emotion and a desire not to let people down. It has been virtually the only reason why I have not dropped the whole thing so far despite seriously considering it more than once. In fact, I was more or less convinced by the logic of doing away with the subject next year until that phone call, that reason given, that touched me so.

Things seem to be more or less in order now though. I think basically I have three possible outcomes and courses of action: If I get 1 S, it will be tough, but probably give myself trial period, until Common Test next year (as was begged), if I get 2 S I drop it like a hot potato, and if I get no S, it definitely stays. Those seem eminently reasonable courses of action to me.

One thing that has sort of surprised me is the negative reactions I have received from most regarding this topic (some of them even strongly negative). Why, seriously? Is it so ingrained within a Singaporean mindset that all JC students must take 4 A Levels and one must be Maths? Perhaps that is the main underlying factor; people are simply not used to this. Of course there are exceptions, but I strongly suspect this to be the bedrock of many people's thoughts.

The future is uncertain. All one can do is wait.