Basket.

Weblogs (I actually detest the word "blog" and positively hate "blogosphere") are becoming a huge thing here in camp, it seems. Many of my colleagues have taken it up, and more are getting interested in it. This is facilitated by the fact that my unit has no less than three easily accessible Internet PCs. I look on benevolently as they remain in the stage where it is new to them and hence fresh and exciting.

My own place, of course, has been up two-and-a-half years. I have changed nothing about it for two years, although I've thought of it.

Perhaps that says something about my personality. I've never liked change, unpredictability or uncertainty. Despite the amazing amount I have written about my drab office job/NS life, I much prefer stability & routine. I am not afraid to say that over the years I have built up a reputation for reliability and responsibility among those who know me. If I make a decision, I stick by it the best I can - and live with the regrets later.

I really am very poor with beginnings and endings. Change, of course, entails both. I can never figure out how to get something started, and I need a long time to decide how best to end something. It is, of course, the beginning and the ending of most things that are most fraught with uncertainty. The middle part is usually routine. I excel at stable routines, and what i've come to realise is I can't live without them. If I try to do things randomly, it will settle into a fixed routine of sorts after a while. Believe me, it's true, I've tried. I prefer to have things settled way before the actual event - such as group outings. I would genuinely love it if every time, I could get the time and place to meet days before. And I will turn up at the appointed time or earlier, barring unforseen circumstances, even though I know my companions will almost certainly be late.

This is somewhat reflected in my world view, which has been termed "fuck care". I definitely try not to go out of my way to concern myself with many things, especially things that I do not think are any business of mine or matters I do not think I can assist in in anyway whatsoever. One of my favourite words is the Russian nichevo - "it can't be helped". If it can't be helped (and most things cannot), let it happen and live with it. Why try to change the world? It's easier to adjust yourself to fit in. It's easier to meet all that comes with resignation and get used to the new siuation.

I love stability to a fault, in fact. There are a goodly number of times where I haven't been proactive enough and end up not getting what I actually want. Instead I learn to deal with the loss. In the end I'm not very passionate at all about most things, except of course my deepest of interests - History. Sometimes, instead of trying to make friends or seize opportunities, I simply bury myself in my history books. It may have cost me some, I just don't know.

Stubborness, I suppose, can be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm stubborn to a fault sometimes. I lose out because of it, then I get used to losing what I've lost. In the end everything just settles and I make a routine out of it, then I get on with life.

I suppose every personality type has its good and bad points. The dynamic try to change the world and become its leaders. I'm not one of them. I just want to go on with a life doing what I like best surrounded by people I can trust and confident in all my friendships. I don't like leading, and I think the only good trait in the area I've got is being meticulous. That and maybe a sharp tongue. I just want to quietly put my life into a routine and live it with as few interruptions as possible. To be accepting of everything fate chooses to fling, good or bad. To make my own decisions and stick by them come what may. To maintain all my relationships and always stand by those I trust. And trust them to do the same.