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Pianist Melvyn Tan to play here after all -Life!, 19th May

Honestly, how many times is this greedy ingrate going to attempt to cheat our money? Since he apparently didn't find this piece of dirt worth defending, he should be kept well off it, despite his suggestions to the contrary (it was a "painful" decision to leave, he did say). Well, however painful it was, I don't think it was painful enough, considering it failed to get him to return for THIRTY years. Or to prevent him from renouncing his Singaporean citizenship. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

It is unfortunate that he is not the only case, but merely one who has attained the nirvana of malingering - not needing to serve at all! For there are plenty below him at various stages of enlightenment, who serve in theory but not in practice (can you think of a system more open to abuse than unlimited yearly medical leave? Alas for it is still necessary because of the genuine cases). I have had the good fortune to observe many of these creatures in their natural habitats, and I can report that there are several species.

Outright malingerer - This is the most common of the bunch. The Singapore Armed Forces offers for all NSFs the incredible deal of unlimited medical leave every work year, and this bunch takes the deal and abuses it into the ground. Seen at work perhaps 1-2 days per week, after which MC is produced, sometimes of dubious origin - but he who produces one of dubious origin is the dumber of the species and thus nearly extinct. Serves NS from "sickbed" at home or in various hospital waiting rooms, and is extremely proud of the fact.

Complain King - As the name suggests, may work (note: MAY) but complains nearly non-stop even though responsibilities are actually minuscule (such as, getting the newspaper every morning). Knows how to get strategic MCs, excuses and MAs. Is sneakier and even more dangerous than the Outright Malingerer, and a hell lot more irritating too. Honestly, when people have to go outfield and suffer mosquitoes, exorbitant deployment timings and impatient course instructors, a little paperwork is nothing. And I've been on both sides of the looking glass. I would know.

Duty Slacker, or DS - Does daily work but manages to push away all duties - even Ops TA, which is unbelievably slack. Is, of course, stay-out personnel. Honestly, it'll kill to reduce the burden on the rest of us, right?

Excuse me... - ... from all duties, stay-in, Range, Live Run, sunlight, grass, bad language, paper etc etc, please MO sir.

Dodger - "Oh look, responsibilities! Duck!"

... and maybe you get my point by now.

What is worse is that no malingerer is ever just one of those. They are usually a combination of the various species - which makes me visualise their slow and painful deaths in gory freak accidents.

No, seriously, why go to such lengths? Oh wait, I have the answer. Because you lot are all selfish bastards. Thinking only of yourself, like when you complain of having too much office work to your friend who has to go outfield and suffer under the baleful glare of instructors. Or when you go get excuse duty for the flimsiest of reasons, leaving more duties for everybody else per month; while we do these duties, you sit at home happily and enjoy your creature comforts. Or when you take MC after MC, skipping cleaning the bunk which you also have a hand in dirtying, such that everyone else has to clean up your mess for you. Then, when you come back, you proceed to angrily confront these selfsame people who have cleaned that pitiful excuse for personal hygiene your bed was, just because we failed to leave a chair for your Imperial Majesty.

I cannot abide a malingerer. Because, in addition to the afore-mentioned ways they affect the lives of perfectly good personnel, they also affect genuine cases. Because of the long and established tradition of malingering in the SAF, all medical cases are seen with a certain degree of suspicion. The genuine victims get victimised together with the guilty. I have had my experience, and it was not pleasant. The MOs never seemed to believe me fully, even though I can show them all the evidence they need, and I took more than my fair share of ribbing and rather darker suggestions that I did it on purpose. All nonsense, for reasons I have before cited. Even poor people who cannot walk are viewed in this bad light. It's ridiculous.

In addition, the presence of malingerers getting away scot-free is an insult to real victims, especially those who down the years have paid the ultimate price. It is a dishonour to their memory; an insult to the dead. Look at it that way and tell me you can still sleep peacefully at night, you fuckers.

Sadly, of course, it is impossible to root out all malingerers. However, I can continue wishing slow and painful deaths upon them, and maybe one day if I get lucky it'll actually happen.

So, here's to all you malingerers out there (and you know who you are), even if you are not currently reading this (as you probably won't be, my friends are to a man an honourable bunch): a slow and painful death upon the lot of you. And to a certain pianist, may you lose both your hands.

Good day. :)