Basket.

Casting about for a job at last... mainly because my mother won't stop prodding me about it.

The realisation I've come to is that I'll never make it in the service industry, by which I mean working retail and such. A slight foretaste I had during NS, but it is definitely easier to get away with answering the phone with a deliberately disinterested "Hello, CO Office" than it will be using that tone on customers in the actual retail world.

My problem is I don't have a sunny disposition. I'm far more likely to give troublesome customers the evil eye than swallow any slights, real or perceived. I'm far more likely to sardonically reference an unreasonable customer's illegitimate parentage than poltely offer to help him deal with the problem. I am far more than likely, anyway, to atttract complaints about always looking sour and melancholic.

Some people are naturally happy. They seem glad to see people they don't know, to welcome them, to serve them and make their day better. I have no idea how such people do it. Personally, I enjoy meeting new people; it's the actual meeting where I have a problem. I always feel awkward, and I have no idea why. There does not seem to be any reason to - usually they are perfectly reasonable individuals. Yet I never sit easy when meeting strangers for the first time, and my natural reflex is to attempt to melt into the scenery. It is extremely rare for me to hit it off immediately with someone. All this is probably why people seeing me for the first time tend to mark me off as overly serious, cold, aloof or humourless.

I see, have always seen, this shyness (yes, shyness, believe it or not - because more than enough people I know don't) as a hindrance and I've been trying to overcome it for years. I've been succeeding - but only on the surface, because every time I meet someone new and I shake hands and say "Pleased to meet you", I am forcing myself to do it. I feel distinctly uneasy doing it, even though I know perfectly well that there is no reason to. It shows up, sometimes, in the conversation that follows - I don't participate much, usually. It is difficult for me to settle into my usual conversational mode with people I've just met, or don't know well.

I suppose, though, that overcoming it on the surface is more than enough for most occasions. Perhaps I just have to keep trying and one day it'll eventually feel natural.